I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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