Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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