yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
FUCK WHALES
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
