I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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