I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you never un-have a 4some
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
