why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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