Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
