i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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