so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
