The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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