We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
