don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
