i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
