Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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