Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
