I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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