Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Randomize
