We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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