Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
