i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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