I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
