using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
