WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You can't special order awesome
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
