Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
