I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
