Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
