You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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