I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
