I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
