if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
