Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
