I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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