remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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