I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
