So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
