and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
