from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
