i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You smell like stripper and shame
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you will always have a special place in my vag
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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