i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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