I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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