I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
