All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Randomize
