did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
