If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
