I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
