I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
