3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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