I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
