dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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