There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
