They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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