Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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